My column thingo

Josh Yount

Mrs. Cronin

English

19/62/2012

21 Reasons Why You Should Have Cherry Cola Wherever You Go

In the style of Benjamin Franklin

1.     If you are running from an angry giraffe because you just hit on his hot giraffe wife, you can drink a cherry cola to avoid passing out due to dehydration.

2.    If you wander into an old submarine found in the Amazon, and you find vicious tribal people inside that are trying to kill you, you can defend yourself with the cherry cola bottle.

3.    If you end up getting locked in a closet for a few hours, having a cool, refreshing bottle of cherry cola makes the closet a much more fun and relaxed place to be.

4.    It’s really fun to sit up high on a tree with a bottle of cherry cola.

5.    You’ll get all the girls.

6.    At a job interview, they might spot you carrying a cherry cola, and hire you on the spot due to your great taste in carbonated beverages.

7.    All the boring people who carry around regular cola will be jealous of your extra cherry flavor.

8.    Go down to a local park with a girl of your choosing, take a canoe out on a lake, and bring an extra cherry cola for her to drink on the canoe ride. Don’t bring her back to shore until she agrees to marry you. Works every time.

9.    Avoid underage drinking and peer pressure by coming to parties with a cherry cola. No one will offer you a drink if you’ve already got one in your hand!

10. The next time you wake up lost in the bushes at a sketchy part of town without your hair or your wallet and with no energy to find your way home, take that cherry cola out of your pocket for the kick you need to jumpstart your day!

11.  It will help you find the perfect dog companion.

12. With every drop of cherry cola you drink, you become closer to Jesse Hughes of the Eagles of Death Metal. How cool is that!

13. The number 13 is no longer unlucky with cherry cola.

14. If you’re ever stranded on an island in the middle of the Atlantic, you can write a message on the wrapping outside of the bottle, put it inside the bottle, tie it to a bird with one of your shoelaces, and wait to be rescued.

15. Grass is always greener when watered with cherry cola.

16. You’ll probably get diabetes anyway.

17. You’ll never get mugged because only the toughest of men carry cherry cola. Muggers will see you running and be like “give me all you got!” and then you’ll pull out your cherry cola and they’ll be like “woah sorry man, we got the wrong guy.”

18. Every time you don’t drink cherry cola, a baby dies.

19. Makes a great salad dressing.

20.The next time you feel kinda down because you just watched that opening scene in Up, when the old guy’s wife dies, a cool, refreshing cherry cola is just what you need to keep the positive attitude that gets you through life.

21. It tastes good.